Upon meeting new people, or on an initial date, do you speak to conceal or to reveal? When deciding how you’ll proceed, remember there is a big difference between concealing who you are and how you approach life and withholding every exhaustive detail of your life to protect your personal safety. If an emotionally intimate bond is forged, there will be plenty of time to reveal the facts of your life.
Generally speaking, if you instinctively feel comfortable with a person, I advocate for the open book technique. This can save you an enormous amount of time, for it avoids game playing and helps to weed out those with whom you don’t have a meeting of the minds. To me, it seems like too much work to feign to be someone you’re not – and to worry about saying only what you think your date wants to hear in the hope that he/she will like you.
If you’re concealing, here’s a question to ask yourself: “How can I expect my date to respond to me authentically, if I don’t present my authentic self to him/her?” Thus, if you “pretend” to be someone other than your true self, and this false persona is liked by another, you should have reservations about the validity of the budding relationship.
This dilemma seems to be part of the dance of dating, especially for Internet dating, which is a venue where you’re essentially meeting strangers. This makes it very easy to conceal your true nature, at least at the outset. I believe that it is possible to strike an appropriate balance between revealing all and concealing pertinent facts by tempering your honesty and disclosures with kindness and a genuine interest in discovering more about your date.
One of the most exciting parts of the dating process is the deliciousness of unraveling the mystery of a prospective partner. Why not consider each person you meet as a gift and treat him or her accordingly? For example, compare this situation to how children approach the mounds of presents they receive at a celebratory event. With curiosity and bated breath, they might shake each one, turn the box over, lift it up to determine the weight, and stand back and admire the shiny packaging. As much as they harbor a desire to rip open the goodies, they must wait for the appropriate time to do so. The anticipation, the dreaming of the possibilities – these simply add to the excitement of the moment when the gift is finally unwrapped.
Extrapolating this to dating, during the get-to-know-you phase, why not try reveling in the unknowns of each other’s story? It will make you want to come back to hear the next chapter! This is the true magic of chemistry. It ignites a need to know more about someone you find fascinating.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: I’m not having much success with my dating endeavors. If you could tell me one thing that could help me the most, what would it be?
A: You may be surprised by my simplistic answer, for I believe wearing a smile on your face will exponentially increase your dating success. If dating is all about connecting with others, then the word SMILE is even an acronym for that activity: So Many Interactions Linking Everyone. In fact, a smile is the light in the window of your face that tells people you’re at home and to come on in.
Dumbledore, the headmaster of Hogwarts, tells Harry Potter that he doesn’t need a cloak to be invisible. He’s 100% correct; you don’t need any magic to “disappear” into the sea of humanity. It’s simple; if you walk through life with your head down and a sour look on your face, no one will notice you. Furthermore, they might consciously avoid you because they’re afraid to get caught under the dark cloud that surrounds you. Smiling will make you visible to others. You will radiate sunshine, which draws people to you because they want to bask in the warmth you’re exuding.
Three additional benefits may be derived from adopting a smiley demeanor:
• You will appear to be more attractive than a person who wears a dour expression.
• Smiling at others, and having them smile back at you, feels good. Simply put, isn’t “feeling good” versus
“feeling bad” a more desirable state of mind?
• Think about the old adage, “You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”The same can be said of wearing a smile versus a frown.
To that point, here’s a fun exercise for you to try. Put a mirror next to your phone. The next time you’re talking to a prospective date, check the mirror to make sure you’re smiling. The person on the other end of the line will be able to detect it and will react in a more responsive manner.
In conclusion, consider the idea that by wearing a smiling countenance versus harboring a sad sack demeanor, you have the ability to light up the lives of those with whom you come in contact. In essence, by smiling at the world, you bestow a gift upon it. However, don’t only smile for others; smile for yourself because it can lighten your own mood and subsequently ignite feelings of hope and positivity.
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at [email protected].
