Are you afflicted with the dreaded People Pleaser Syndrome? Before the loss of my first husband, I know I exhibited the major symptom inherent in a people pleaser, which is putting the desires and needs of everyone else before your own. While I’m somewhat recovered, remnants of my former self do linger, for, at my essence, I simply like to help others.
There is a subtle difference now, though. Previously, I would give and give, only to eventually feel depleted with nothing left to sustain myself. Today, I have stronger boundaries and, while I still try to please, I complete this action in a healthier manner. What it comes down to is that I allow myself to say “No!” and not feel guilty when I do so.
Learning to temper my enthusiasm for only pleasing others, at times to my own detriment, has allowed me to actually become better at helping others. When I feel balanced and replenished, it’s much easier to extend a hand outward. As you move into the dating world, you will be encountering all different types of people. Some are givers and some are takers. Unfortunately, this trait is not always evident at a first glance (or even after many glances). That’s why it’s always a good idea to take your time getting to know someone.
You might think that a people pleaser is a seemingly innocuous type or even consider this person a great find, because it’s nice to be on the receiving end of pleasing. Here’s the other side of the coin to consider. People pleasers can use their skills to control their environment and the people who reside in it. Therefore, if everyone around a people pleaser is kept happy because she has fulfilled all their wants and desires, all should remain copacetic in her world. This particular type of people pleaser is one that never wants to rock the boat, so she sublimates her own needs and makes sure there are never any arguments or even minor disagreements. Regrettably, emotions that are continually pushed below the surface usually erupt, and when they do – watch out! Often, it’s like a dormant volcano spewing out for the first time. Both parties are surprised by its virulence, for there’s no warning signal in the calm life that was being led.
Recognizing your inherent traits, and then modifying any unhealthy ones, is part of the readiness process to complete before dating with intention. Of course, practice is always encouraged, for it’s in these practice sessions that you can learn a lot about yourself.
As for people pleasing, there are ways to mitigate this tendency. First, acknowledge that a fear of rejection can reside underneath the desire to continually please. For example, the pleaser may believe if she stops catering to others, she will lose their love and affection. If this were true, then true love was never established.
Since all actions stem from two emotions, love or fear, it’s up to the pleasers to change their motivating factor to love. This includes learning to love and respect themselves; placing a high value on their own time; and, most importantly, realizing and accepting that it’s possible to be a caring, loving (and even pleasing) person while at the same time caring, loving and pleasing oneself.
QUESTION AND ANSWER
Q: I’m a private person and would rather not post a picture on a dating site. Is one necessary for a successful outcome?
A: Although no one likes to believe he/she is being judged on outward appearances, nor do you want to think you judge others on theirs, it’s just a fact of nature that humans are a visual species and many decisions are based on what is observed – if not consciously, then at least subconsciously.
That said, dating site statistics show that profiles with a picture receive a lot more interaction than those without one. But don’t post just any picture! Be very careful in choosing one that is representative of who you are, and realize a picture really can be worth a thousand words because it can telegraph nonverbal clues that might influence who contacts you or not.
Here are some of the elements to be aware of and their possible meanings.
1. Smile vs. Neutral Expression (no teeth). A smiley picture projects an extroverted, warm and open nature vs. a neutral expression, which telegraphs aloofness.
2. Stance: Stiff vs. Relaxed. Stiffness can indicate that you’re uncomfortable in your own skin, stubborn, can’t go with the flow or be agile, while a relaxed stance can indicate an easygoing nature or that you’re fun-loving or energetic.
3. Jewelry. Are you wearing a religious icon, a peace symbol, or tons of gold chains displayed on a hairy chest? You might be making a fashion statement, be dressed for a costume party or telegraphing your belief system. But at first glance, the viewer won’t be privy to this info.
4. Clothing/Grooming Habits. Are you dressed neatly or haphazardly? For the guys, are you clean shaven, sporting the GQ look or just unkempt looking? Are you in athletic wear or more formal wear? Are your clothes drab, threadbare or ripped? If it’s even too much trouble to post a picture in which you’re cleaned up, this doesn’t bode well for future encounters.
5. Background of Picture. Are you standing in front of a house? If so, what type is it (mansion vs. average, apartment vs. an RV, in the country vs. the city)? If you’re posing by a car, is it luxurious or a junker? Does the picture include family members or a friend of the opposite sex? With only the pictorial information, viewers will assume it’s your house, your car, an old girlfriend, etc.
Here’s the bottom line. View your potential picture with objectivity and remember that it tells a story about you. You get to decide which one it will be.
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at [email protected].
