Is love sweeter the second time around? It may or may not be as sweet as first love, but it’s certainly just as beautiful, as well as wiser. After losing a partner, it’s easy to close off your heart to shield yourself from further pain, though you also deny yourself the absolute joy of experiencing the deliciousness and excitement of new love. Each individual must decide whether it’s better to feel safe, albeit alone, or to take a risk on new love. Following are three stories of couples who took the leap and have found renewed joy in a partnership the second time around.
Jay and Alison Bigman
Jay Bigman has always been a romantic at heart. When he met his first wife at a conference, they lived in different states. In a leap of faith and against the advice of family and friends, he quit his job in the Midwest and moved south to pursue her. They married and had two boys. However, after 25 years, Jay missed the romance they once shared. For him, the spark had been doused by complacency, the bane of many relationships. Despite counseling, they couldn’t reignite the flame that once burned bright.
But Jay thrives in a relationship, and he wanted to be with a woman who made his heart sing every day. Not long after his divorce, he met Alison via Match. com, and they married within six months. A little quick for some, but Jay let his heart lead him again, and it didn’t steer him wrong. Alison and Jay just celebrated their six- year anniversary this past December. Despite the baggage that Jay and Alison toted into their new relationship, including aging parents, exes, children and issues from childhood, Jay vows not to let his second marriage follow the same course as his first.
One of the most challenging aspects of this relationship, and one that many couples experience, is blending their families. Each spouse has different ideas on the “right” way to raise children: he’s stricter and she’s more lenient. The bottom line is that the stepparent usually takes a subordinate role when final decisions are reached. It’s easy to get caught up in the difficulties rather than staying focused on all the good things in your union. To keep the home fires burning this time around, Jay hones in on the laughter and joy Alison brings to his life. He has also learned to show Alison how he loves her in a way that she recognizes versus simply loving her in the manner that makes him comfortable. One way Alison lets Jay know how much she cherishes the time they spend together is by preparing an artistic chronicle of each year. As Jay fondly looks upon this presentation, he is reminded daily of all the reasons he loves his wife.
Many widows/widowers believe they’ve already had their “chance” at true love, and it’s not in the cards for them to experience it again. Reconciling this thought is part of the process of readjusting the picture of a late spouse and letting go of the preconceived notion (and associated guilt) that there is only one possible romantic partner for each of us. To feel you will never have another opportunity to be in love again is simply putting limitations on what you can want and have. In truth, there are no limits on how many times a person can find love.
Trudie and Doug Camponovo
Trudie Camponovo- Barrow knows this well. She lost her beloved first husband, Rick, 14 years ago to cancer. Despite Rick’s urging for Trudie to seek new love after his demise, she was very content to lead a quiet life raising her two children. However, after three years of widowhood, she began to feel lonely. Even so, if a friend hadn’t pushed her to attend a Jewish singles party, she wouldn’t have met her current husband. The moment she entered the room, she spied Doug. They dated for two years and were engaged for two more. Doug’s younger children, 3 and 7, and Trudie’s teenagers, made the mix a bit more complicated than if it had been just the two of them. Trudie had practically finished her day-to- day child-rearing duties. Shared custody with an ex-wife and a minimum of drama made the transition easier, though.
Trudie and Doug are still very much in love after almost 11 years of marriage. They fulfill each other’s current needs, and it’s a union sans arguments and jockeying for position. Moreover, it’s filled with caring support and the knowledge that love can be snatched away in a minute. Consequently, this couple relishes every moment as it appears. Although Doug will never replace Rick in Trudie’s heart, he has his own place there. The heart is an expansive organ and will stretch to let in new residents without kicking out the old ones.
Ellen and Martin Gerst
Over 18 years ago, I, too, lost my first husband. When I was a young widow of six years, I decided that it was time to look for love again. I dated furiously via the internet for 11 months. It became my full-time job, replete with an Excel database of the men I met. When this frenetic pace became tiresome, I knew I was ready for “the one” to find me. And find me he did. Martin, then divorced for several years, also explored online dating. He happened upon my J-Date profile many months before contacting me. Having a highly intuitive nature – and call it destiny or beshert – he knew I was the one for him. He also realized that I wasn’t prepared to meet him yet. He was right; I was just starting the dating process and wasn’t ready to settle down. He looked at my profile periodically for the next six months. One day, he knew it was the time to strike. From his email query and profile, he didn’t seem to fulfill many of the requirements on my wish list. Our first meeting occurred through a comedy of errors. Between missed and not returned phone calls, I ended up waiting in the dark parking lot of a Starbucks for a half hour for a guy I wasn’t even sure I wanted to meet.
After some initial awkwardness, we ended up talking for two hours. Although it was enjoyable, I did not hear any bells or whistles. I consented to a second date, and we had a wonderful time full of laughter and good cheer. We continued to see each other, talk on the phone and email quite often. Each time I saw him, he became more and more attractive to me until I thought him the most adorable, sweetest, nicest man I had ever met. Over the next couple of months, we forged a relationship built on mutual values, respect and admiration. We married on the anniversary of our first date and celebrated 10 years of happy marriage this past fall.
I had a great first marriage, so I was attuned to how to have a healthy relationship. It was an adjustment, though, to learn how to live with someone again after being single for seven years. Furthermore, we both work at home, so we spend an inordinate amount of time together. We’ve learned to respect each other’s boundaries during “office hours,” yet we still have plenty of time to commune when we take breaks or eat meals. It’s not for everyone, but it works well for us. Blending our families was not an issue for us. By the time we married, mine were in college and Martin’s lived mostly with their mother. All four kids were very accepting of the marriage, and this, too, made the transition easier.
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Whether it’s by divorce or by death, experiencing the loss of a partner helps you to understand what is most important in life. These couples learned that love is a rare and precious jewel that must be polished every day to continue to shine. When given a second chance, they’re not taking anything for granted. Each loves to the fullest extent every day, and this makes every day a good one!
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at Lngerst@Lngerst.com.
