Is the fear of rejection holding you back from jumping into the dating arena?
Did you ever consider that the people with whom you will interact are also afraid of rejection? There’s probably a good chance that they are either faking it until they make it or have discovered ways to quiet that little voice in their head that says, “You’re not good enough.” When the dating pool is entered, especially after a long hiatus, there is a tendency for both men and women to revert to teenage behavioral patterns. A fear of rejection is probably number 1 on that list. Taking into consideration that it’s much easier to be the rejecter than the rejected, daters protect themselves in various ways. In truth, many reject everyone they meet in a subconscious effort to cut off the possibility of ever being rejected.
How is this fear usually manifested?
1. Some are too aggressive in their attitude toward others. This is usually bravado rearing its ugly head; a person barrels forward in an attempt to avoid thinking about the situation that is causing fear to arise.
2. Others wear an unapproachable countenance and strike a “stay away from me” stance. In essence, this is daring anyone to cross over the line into the imaginary protective circle. As an aside, keep in mind that sometimes this behavior is simply indicative of shyness. Shy people often appear aloof and not interested in others. However, underneath their cool exterior, they are hoping someone will strike up a conversation with them and put them at ease. As you can see from these two illustrations, if you exhibit these behaviors, you are the one who is doing the rejecting – or, at least, so it seems!
How can you overcome the fear of rejection?
Here are five suggestions.
1. First, you need to determine your goal. If it’s to have a happy and busy social life, then you need to change your behavioral patterns so you don’t negate your efforts.
2. Keep in mind that it is not always about you! In these stressful times, each person has a lot of issues to deal with. Upon meeting a stranger, it’s impossible to know what is going on in his/her life at the moment you interact. Behavior that seems like a rejection may have nothing to do with you, although it’s very likely you will take it personally. It’s imperative that you not tie your self-worth to whether you’re accepted or rejected by others.
3. Move slowly as you develop new relationships. People become scared for a variety of reasons and may retreat – again, not because of you but because of their own issues. When you take baby steps and incorporate a non-demanding attitude, you’re establishing a safe environment in which to explore possible deeper feelings.
4. Be on the lookout for encouraging remarks and actions that let you know the other person is interested. If you ascertain that a person is receptive to your advances, there is less of a chance of rejection. And if you’re the one giving the encouraging hints, sometimes you have to be less than subtle!
5. If you don’t have any expectations, then it is difficult to be disappointed or hurt by rejection. This is the best way to approach the dating arena.
When you experience the loss of a partner from death, divorce or breakup, it could be regarded as a form of rejection. Naturally, you want to protect yourself from more loss, so you may hide your vulnerability under many layers. Unfortunately, this has the opposite effect. When you opt to be closed off from others and the world (or, in other words, reject life and/or love), you are making the probability of being rejected a self-fulfilling prophecy. The prescription to overcome this situation is simple. If you want to love, love more. If you want to be accepted, be accepting. If you don’t want to be rejected, don’t reject others based on preconceived notions. Open your heart, even if there is a chance of experiencing pain, for as
the saying goes: No Pain, No Gain!
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at Lngerst@Lngerst.com.
