I often hear from single people that one of the most difficult things for them to witness is an older couple walking hand-in- hand. It’s not so much the romance they wistfully lament, but the implied companionship that this couple shares.
If you’re not having much luck securing this type of relationship, and since friendship is the foundation upon which all lasting romantic relationships are built, consider trying an alternative avenue to finding a partner: take some time to concentrate on simply making new friends.
An added benefit of making new friends is that it exponentially expands your social circle, which can give you an opportunity to meet their friends and friends of their friends. And one of them may be a romantic candidate just right for you!
Although making new friends can be a bit more difficult as you age, it’s not an impossible feat if you’re willing to take some initiative. Many people are quite busy with their jobs and families – first children and then grandchildren – and may not have the time and energy budding friendships require; but there’s also a whole population of singles longing to connect with others and don’t know how to do so.
If you’ve outgrown the bar scene, where can you find like- minded people? It’s sometimes a challenge to ferret them out, as Allan Fromme captures in the following statement.
“Our cities with their swollen populations and cliff dwelling high-rise buildings are breeding places for loneliness… In a world of wheels, old and comfortable groupings of people have disappeared.”
His point is valid, for many are content to live their lives online through social media and infrequently interact in person. This results in a lack of social and conversational skills, further isolating the single population. But if you’re willing to drive out of your comfort zone and neighborhood, Meetup.com, which facilitates offline group meetings, offers adventures in which you can partake in a group setting.
You can find a Meetup to attend that can satisfy both your personal and professional needs. Meetups include business networking, educational, spiritual, movie/theater going, dining and so on. One in particular that is serving the greater Phoenix Jewish singles’ community is Active Jewish Singles 40s, 50s, 60s. You can find this group online (meetup.com/Active-Jews-40s- 50s).
This group is very clear in its intentions: it is not a dating site. It’s for those looking to spend time with other Jewish singles in their own age group in activities planned throughout the Valley, such as hiking, dancing, dining out, exercising, happy hours, live bands and comedy shows. The group members ask only that you join them with a positive attitude, an open mind and a welcoming smile.
If you’re out of practice on how to engage with new people, here are eight ways to develop the right mindset for initiating friendships.
1. Practice kindness. Act as your own best friend. This includes allowing yourself the same wide berth you give your friends when they make a mistake and treating yourself with kindness and respect. It’s important to know your own worth, and this in turn will allow you to let yourself be liked and loved.
2. Balance openness with safety. Be open to honest and kind conversation. Balance this openness with your own safety and wariness of others, which may cause you to question if someone has an ulterior motive for befriending you.
3. Follow through. “Let’s get together soon” is too nebulous a statement when making plans with someone you just met. Instead, decide on a specific date and time to meet and confirm with the person a couple of days before the meeting. This assures it will happen and telegraphs your interest in what the other person has to say.
4. Always keep your word. Don’t say you’ll call and then forget to do so. Remember, someone else is counting on your personal contact with him or her.
5. Smile at people. You will be surprised at how many others respond, reciprocate and show appreciation for the good will and warmth you’re spreading. It’s an inexpensive way to make yourself and others “light up” inside and out.
6. What goes around, comes around. Be the friend you would like to have, and others will reciprocate in kind. Keep Ralph Waldo Emerson’s words in mind: “The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
7. Allow yourself to be happy and content. A fear of rejection, disappointment or awkwardness can sabotage your efforts. These types of feelings detract from your self-confidence and can make you feel less deserving of the good things life has to offer. Even if you have to fake it until you make it, stir up and project a positive attitude. This will attract others to you, for everyone likes to be with those who lift them up versus bring them down.
8. Initiate conversation. There’s no law that says you have to wait for someone to approach you first. In social situations, be the first to say hello, and you will be surprised at how many people will respond to this simple, but brave, gesture.
Although there are many other ways to make and keep friends, I think Albert Camus captured the essence of friendship when he said, “Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend.”
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at Lngerst@Lngerst.com.
