A Nosh of Jewish Wisdom: Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.
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Dear Helen:
I’m a nice Jewish guy in my 40s, only divorced once, with one adult son in med school. I teach college math (tenured at a decent school), am decent looking (not Hollywood handsome but reasonably featured), in decent shape (neither gym buff nor overtly puffy). I own my own home, have savings, can cook a decent meal and am a person of good character. All I want is to meet a nice Jewish woman who’s serious about a possible relationship. I know it shouldn’t be hard, and I definitely don’t have any problem meeting women. I have a problem liking the women I meet. So many have low self-esteem, or are willing to bend over backwards to accommodate what they think I want, that I end up not respecting them. I don’t want to be “in charge” or an emotional bully. I want to be with someone who is as comfortable with herself as I am with myself, not an overly willing doormat. I’m even willing to do personal ads, but I’m not sure how to communicate this aspect of what I am looking for.
Good Catch
Dear Good Catch:
You certainly don’t appear to lack self-confidence, but I’ll assume your self-assessment is accurate and comprehensive. Everyone, man or woman, deserves to be with someone who likes, appreciates and respects them. You don’t say how much time and energy you invest in potential dates before you decide they don’t meet your high standard. But for the sake of the rejected women, I’ll assume that you communicate gently about why you don’t think it’s a good fit. At a minimum, try to explain what you’re looking for in simple, nonjudgmental terms. Though I’ve always thought it a strangely compressed and highly stressful version of reality, you might be exactly the kind of person that speed dating was designed for.
I’d write a personal ad that summarizes who you are very simply, enough to state the obvious: professional, owns home, mid-40s, decent-looking, fiscally sound wants to meet a woman who likes herself and the way she looks. Friendship, relationship, see what happens. No doormats need apply please. I want to meet someone who likes herself and her life as I do myself/my life, but still has room for more happiness in her heart. Sound like you?
PS to readers: No I won’t give you this writer’s email address. Read your J-date or local personals.
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Dear Helen:
I’m once divorced, then single six years after another long-term relationship in which I repeated all the mistakes of my first. Now that I’ve taken the time to do my emotional homework, I’m ready for something healthier and happier. I’ve made “The List” for what I want in my next (and hopefully last) mate. But I don’t know how closely I should cling to it. Is “settling” just a setup for another failure?
One Toe Near the Water
Dear One Toe:
Everyone should have a List. For readers who haven’t made one, consider important variables to be clear about before serious commitment: communication styles (both when things are good and after a fight); emotional accessibility; lifestyle compatibility; social values; intellect; financial equity, values and style; humor; spirituality; and sensuality. Also important – deeply liking one another. One very good indicator of a potential relationship’s good long-run potential is visceral: Do you feel natural and at ease when you’re together? At a gut level, are you comfortable being you? Or do you feel either like you’re trying to impress or you’re reflexively critical of the person across the table? If you’re more often squelching your response than speaking easily, or don’t feel heard when you speak from the heart, recognize the bad danger signals.
Here are my three simplest dating rules. One: Don’t be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you. That eliminates folks still in love with their exes or lusting for someone else and those who aren’t present and attentive when you’re together. Two: Don’t be with someone just because s/he wants to be with you. There’s nothing as unattractive as desperation, on either side of the dating equation. You’ve waited a long time, so do this right. Three: You get to decide. Grant yourself the luxury of choice, rather than being charmed or overwhelmed by someone else’s needs or the illusory pressure of time. See where your list and their list intersect. There are lots of eligible singles, but many to be sifted through. Network with friends; tell them what’s on your list. People love to help others find a good connection. Don’t judge too quickly, but don’t be afraid to bail if it doesn’t feel right.
Helen claims to have black belts in schmoozing, problem-solving and chutzpah as well as academic degrees in everything from history to math. She’s a writer and an artist (www.kabbalahglass.com). Please email your questions to helen@yourjewishfairygodmother.com.
