As an experienced clinical child psychologist, I believe the ultimate goal of any parent is to rear an independent, responsible child. While at first glance this may appear obvious, if we observe most parents in action on a day-to-day basis, it becomes evident that many parents have no idea how to achieve this.
Most parents never take a course on parenting or even read a book or two on the topic. Ask many parents, “How do you foster independence and responsibility in your child?” and you are likely to get a blank stare. Our nation’s future rests in the hands of our youth. It is the job of today’s parents to properly raise these children. I contend that being an effective parent – and an effective spouse – are probably the two most important things an adult can achieve.
Many parents believe independence in our children occurs, more or less magically, when the child turns 18. For example, I recently had a case in which the father of a 17-year, 10-month- old daughter insisted that she maintain a 10:30 pm curfew. This girl, my client, was upset with her father because this early curfew interfered with her active (and appropriate) social life. When I met with father he argued that the curfew was in place – and would remain so – to keep his daughter “safe.” After listening to the father, I noted that his daughter, a senior in high school, would soon be attending the University of Arizona, 100 miles away in Tucson, and living in a dorm, where she would have no curfew at all. Moreover, since she would be living in a coed dorm, she could have a boy in her room if she chose. I advised the father that for his daughter to learn to become independent, like any complex skill, she needed the opportunity to practice such behavior, and he was not providing her that opportunity.
Is it any wonder why many freshmen “go crazy” when they go off to college? If adolescents have no previous practice in behaving independently, how can we expect them to suddenly sleep right, eat right, exercise right and make good decisions simply because they moved into a college dorm and now have no supervision?
In my many years in practice I have had dozens of cases where freshmen in college dropped out because in high school they were made to do their work by a hovering parent or were “rescued” by a parent who actually did the work for them. These teens did not know how to manage their freedom when they got to the university.
So, how do parents foster independence and responsibility? In the following, I describe five ways to make that happen:
1) Reinforce independent, responsible behavior specifically and immediately. Parents tend to operate according to the “Sleeping Dog” philosophy: If the dog is quiet, leave it alone; or, if the kid is behaving appropriately, leave him/ her alone. This skewed parenting philosophy gives the child essentially no parental attention for good behavior yet extensive parental attention for negative behavior. Then we wonder why our kids misbehave. Parents must reverse this perspective and become attuned to when their children exhibit responsible, independent behavior – and attend to it.
Most parents understand that reinforcement is intended to reward good behavior. Many parents, though, are unaware that reinforcement is also designed to educate children as to what they can do when in a similar situation to earn that reinforcement again. Telling a child “good job,” “way to go” or “I’m proud of you,” are compliments – not reinforcement.
To qualify as reinforcement the verbal praise must specifically detail exactly what the appropriate behavior looked like: “Billy, I like the way you brushed and flossed your teeth this morning without having me remind you. I’m proud of your independent, responsible behavior. Let’s play a board game together.” In this manner Billy knows exactly what he can do to get reinforced.
Reinforcement is only effective when it closely follows the targeted behavior. If an overweight man ate a reasonable meal and immediately following his dinner weighed himself and saw that he had lost two pounds, it would be easy to continue to eat in that manner. Proper eating was not that difficult because the reinforcement was immediate. Unfortunately, weight loss does not occur quickly, so it is quite challenging for most people. If delayed reinforcement stymies most adults, it certainly will be problematic for children. Expecting a child to behave well on Tuesday, for example, for some reward that may occur next Saturday is likely to be ineffective. The reinforcement must be administered immediately.
2) For nearly 100 years research has shown that the best way to change an undesirable behavior is to reinforce the alternative desired behavior.
Often when I speak in public, during the question and answer segment, I am asked a question that takes the form of: “My child does so and so, which I don’t like; what should I do about it?” The question portends some form of punishment. My response to that type of question is always, “What would you prefer the child to do instead?” When I get the answer to that question, I always respond with, “Then reinforce that.”
For example, if the children are squabbling in the backseat of the car while you are driving, you could scream at them to be quiet or, instead, distract them and say, “Let’s play a game. The first to find five yellow VW bugs wins.” In this manner, the kids learn alternative ways to behave responsibly for parental attention.
3) Ignore mild to moderately inappropriate behavior – using “extinction” – and allow “logical/ natural consequences” to occur.
Most inappropriate behaviors that children exhibit are mildly to moderately inappropriate – like whining, procrastinating, forgetting, complaining, etc. This kind of negative behavior is done primarily for parental (negative) attention. Since most of the inappropriate behavior kids exhibit is for attention, then clearly the best response to that kind of behavior is no response. Behavioral psychologists refer to this as “extinction.” When I tell parents in my office to ignore these behaviors in their children, they often look at me like I’m crazy. However, if they follow through with this concept, parents are amazed at how powerful doing nothing is.
I have been recommending this “experiment” to parents for decades: “The next time your kids start to bicker, simply get up, leave the room, say nothing, go into your bedroom, leave the door open and sit on your bed and wait.” When I suggest this to parents, I often hear: “You’ve got to be kidding! There’ll be blood on the floor! Someone will be seriously injured!”
However, what almost always occurs is that within 30 seconds the kids are in the parent’s bedroom bringing the fight to mom or dad: “He’s mean!” “She’s not playing fair!” “He/she started it!” What this experiment clearly demonstrates is that, for the most part, siblings fight not because they want to maim each other, but because they have learned arguing is an excellent attention- getting mechanism.
When using extinction it is imperative that parents be consistent. Don’t make the mistake of ignoring the initial inappropriate behavior for a time but then later respond to it. It is predictable that when you initially ignore some behavior it will escalate. Be steadfast in your extinction. If you respond to escalated behavior, you will have taught your child to become more obnoxiously persistent. It will not take too long before the child understands the message of extinction and ceases his/her inappropriate behavior.
By using extinc
tion – doing nothing – logical consequences are allowed to come into play. The child who chooses not to complete homework (or a project) is left to be confronted by the teacher (who has received an email or a phone call from the parent saying the child behaved irresponsibly, and the teacher is empowered to apply any appropriate consequence). The teen who gets a speeding ticket is not screamed at and grounded from driving for 60-90 days; instead, the teen is required to work off the $120 by doing household chores to pay for the driver re- education class he/she will have to attend on Saturday.
The basic components of logical consequences are that the child does not receive negative attention (and “get their parent’s goat”) for misbehavior; the child learns through outside factors – not their parents’ wrath – that misbehavior has its own logical/ natural consequences; and finally, with no hysteria, children are not distracted from their misbehavior and are forced to confront their own guilt.
4) State the task once, clearly and specifically, and allow the child to respond. Depending on the child’s response, follow through with the appropriate consequence – reinforcement, extinction, or (rarely) punishment.
Parents cheapen themselves. Without exaggeration I have heard at least a hundred times some parent say: “I have to tell my child at least five times before he/she will do anything.” When I hear a parent say that I usually ask, “What do you think you’ve taught your child about your first request?”
Parents must state their request one time and allow the child to respond. Once the child has responded – good or bad – the parent applies the appropriate consequence.
One of my favorite responses when one of my sons chose to ignore a task was to do that task myself at the same time he wanted something or needed me to take him somewhere. It was a great natural/logical consequence.
The parent must expect that the child will make some irresponsible choices. Which child doesn’t? It’s to be expected. It’s part of the learning process. Let the consequences fall on that poor choice and move on. Behavioral management works when the child behaves positively and is reinforced and when the child misbehaves and must deal with the consequences.
5) It is not the child’s behavior but the parent’s response to the behavior that matters. Most parents mistakenly believe they must control their children’s behavior and must make them behave. This is impossible and, moreover, puts much undo pressure on parents. Effective parents are those who systematically provide appropriate consequences to their child’s behaviors.
Using these five rules allows parents do their job and enable their children to become independent, responsible adults.
Larry F. Waldman, Ph.D., ABPP is a licensed psychologist who has practiced in the Paradise Valley area of Phoenix for over 35 years. He works with children, adolescents, parents, adults, and couples. He volunteers with the Bureau of Jewish Education’s Jewish Marriage University. He is the author of Who’s Raising Whom? A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline. He can be reached at 602-996-8619 or LarryWaldmanPhD@cox.net.
