Your success or failure in the dating arena (or life in general) is directly proportional to the beliefs you hold at the time you embark on your endeavor.
Many people have preconceived ideas about dating, especially Internet dating. They make assumptions about what it will be like and the type of people they will meet. Moreover, they don’t believe it will work, so they expect failure before they even try. Usually, these self-defeating thoughts emanate from fear and insecurity and are postulated as a self-protective mechanism. It’s the old teenage mentality of “I’ll reject you, before you reject me.” In addition, if you’ve let it be known that you don’t believe you will ever meet anyone of quality, when you don’t, you’ve steeled yourself against disappointment. However, in truth, what you’ve done is completed a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You’re probably aware of what the word ASSUME means: When assumptions are made, an ASS is made out of U and ME. That’s because you can’t possibly know what others are thinking, unless you ask them directly.
For better success with dating, here are five assumptions you should consider deleting from your repertoire:
1. “I know what’s going on.” In the context of a first date, or first few dates, the answer is probably not. Daters come with agendas, and they’re usually not sharing them in the get-to-know-you beginning dates. Don’t assume you know the meaning of every sigh, sidelong glance or a lack of communication.
2. “I have a plan and no adjustments will ever be necessary.” Wrong. Life is fluid and adjustments are necessary to every plan you make. Don’t be rigid. Go with the flow and see where it takes you.
3. “I’m too old (or too young) to find success with dating.” Wrong again. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and at every age. Sometimes, love found at a mature age is much sweeter because time is short and, thus, appreciated more. Hopefully, both participants are mature in their thinking. Consequently, they should each know who they are and what they want in a partner.
4. “I don’t have the time and energy necessary to devote to finding a new partner.” That’s the wrong way to look at it. If you’re too busy to date, then either you don’t want to or are afraid to. If you really want something in your life, you will make time for it – no matter how busy you are and how difficult it is to accomplish.
5. “I don’t deserve to be happy and successful.” Wrong, wrong, wrong! Everyone deserves to be happy and successful. However, you must make a conscious decision to go out and get the things that will allow you to feel that way. The world takes its cue from you. Hence, it will “punish” you only in response to your own self-punishment.
Let go of these assumptions and others that are holding you back from finding love. They are self-imposed barriers, and you have the power to tear them down.
Question and Answer
Question: I’ve just started dating a person who I think is a keeper. How do I know if he feels that same way about me?
Answer: If your feelings are not reciprocated, it matters very little how powerful and deep they are. Dating limbo – or “sort of dating” someone – is a difficult and tiring place to be. Consequently, rather than spending your energy on fostering the relationship, you exert it on keeping your feelings in check so you don’t scare this prospective mate away.
Always remember that you deserve to be with a person who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. When a person makes excuses for not calling or spending time together, he is telegraphing that the relationship is not important. If this happens repeatedly, don’t brush this big hint aside.
Conversely, here are seven signs that indicate your date enjoys being with you and wants to move to the next level:
1. He’s curious about you. He asks a lot of questions and seems genuinely interested in the answers because he finds everything you say fascinating.
2. He returns your phone calls, emails, texts. He’s not worried if his quick response time makes him seem overanxious. Therefore, he answers you promptly. Remember that it’s simply polite to answer someone in a timely fashion.
3. He introduces you to his friends. He’s proud to be with you and wants to include you in his circle of friends. He refers to you as his girlfriend.
4. He wants to meet your friends. He wants to be included in your circle and come to know the important people in your life.
5. He is dependable. He’s glad to be your “go-to” person – the one on whom you can depend to help you out when needed.
6. He’s comfortable just hanging out. The two of you can be with each other in companionable silence and not feel awkward or feel the ever-pressing need to fill the silence.
7. He starts using the words “we” and “us.” Couple-speak is used with ease. This leads to couple’s thinking versus single’s thinking, and both of you start to think of yourself as a unit.
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit LNGerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at [email protected].
