Jewish mothers take care to raise their sons to be kind, considerate, caring and generally nice guys. Doesn’t this sound like every woman’s dream match? Unfortunately, many seem to be more interested in “bad boys” – the ones who treat them horribly and break their hearts. Why do they come back for more, and, if you’re a nice guy, why are you being left behind?
In the past 30 years, the rules of dating have changed, but no one seems to be ex- actly sure what they are. Men are confused about how to act and what to say. The women seem to be confused, too, which is evident in the dichotomy between the type of partner they think they want and the type they are choosing to date. Granted, women are infinitely more independent these days. They’ve been taught it’s possible to have it all – a career, marriage and a family. This is a terrific goal, but it seems to be a closely guarded secret how to juggle all those balls – including finding the time to actually enjoy every- thing they have worked so hard to achieve AND choosing the type of partner needed to make it all run smoothly.
Don’t get me wrong! The strength and independence evident in women today can help in building a dynamic relationship. However, they must be channeled in a healthy manner and with the right person. This allows people to form unions because they desire to do so versus needing, either economically or emotionally, to be with each other. These types of unions also allow partners to remain individuals who respect each other rather than those who develop co-dependent and dysfunctional patterns.
Why are strong, smart and competent women, who can easily run a company, still drawn to those bad boys? These guys may be sexy, dangerous and exciting; how- ever, when you look beneath their often beautiful exterior, you find that they usually come with a deep sense of entitlement. This makes them self-centered, not very sensitive or kind and focused on their own needs. And women are still surprised when their needs are not met! Be forewarned: if you marry a so-called super star, he’s going to crave the spotlight at your expense. What about the nice guys who are willing to bend and aren’t threatened by showing their more feminine side? They are mistakenly being labeled by women as too wishy-washy or weak.
something is not computing here. Instead of believing that you’ll be able to tame that bad boy and transform him into Prince Charming, here are five qualities to search for:
1. Strength is a great quality in a guy, but sometimes a man’s greatest strength is being able to admit his doubts and fears. If a guy can cry in front of you and not feel any less a man, this is the one you want. it means he’s in touch with his feelings and knows it’s oK to hurt and face problems. He won’t bury his pain only to have it erupt years later and be directed at you.
2. The ability to communicate, during both good times and bad, is of utmost importance. it’s imperative to remember that your partner doesn’t have ESP. Don’t assume he knows if you’re feeling hurt, fearful, sad or even happy. work toward creating an environment in which both partners feel safe enough to admit their hopes and dreams, as well as their fears and failures.
3. Being able to take charge of a situation is another admirable trait. However, couples need to accept that one person can’t be in charge all the time. That doesn’t mean, though, that you relinquish your power if you’re not in charge. no matter the configuration, it always adds up to 100%, so couples must learn how to care for each other without jockeying for position. learn how to determine the appropriate time to take charge and when to step back.
4. A man needs to be confident in his abilities and ambitious enough to always do his best work. He should also be proud of his mate’s accomplishments and, if she surpasses him in the business world in either position or money, not take it as a slap against his manhood. Secure individuals share in the success and happiness of a partner and don’t feel it makes them less of a person.
5. You want someone who makes you feel good about yourself. This is a person who allows you the freedom to discover who and what you want to be when you grow up. Life is a journey of exploration, and you need a partner willing to take your hand (sometimes leading and sometimes following) as you face the ever-changing future together.
Be on the lookout for these five characteristics, and you will find your own nice guy.
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit Lngerst. com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at [email protected]
