Choosing the right pace, as well as developing momentum, is an important facet of new relationships. It’s important to take it neither too fast nor too slow. If you’re taking it too fast, this could mean that after one interaction you decide that you’ve met your soul mate and you’re already hearing wedding bells ringing in the distance. Consequently, you begin to shower this prospective mate with gifts and also feel the need to be in constant communication when you’re apart. Although your actions might simply be the result of unbridled enthusiasm, it probably will be viewed as overbearing. This is the one of the very best ways to scare away a possible romantic connection that could have bloomed slowly.
Conversely, if you’re taking it too slow, this could mean that, even though both parties initially felt some sort of connection, a couple of weeks go by before you interact again. Without a sturdy base of shared memories to build on, this lack of momentum can make the relationship fizzle before it even starts. When too much time elapses between the first few interactions, you are basically starting anew on each date.
So what is the correct timing to get a new relationship off the ground?
What is important to keep in mind is that men and women harbor very diverse ideas about the meaning of the early days of dating. Women often read too much into every nuance or comment and may assume an exclusive relationship is starting because three to four dates in a row have taken place. On the other hand, men, in the same time frame, are usually still in the get-to-know-you phase and don’t want to feel locked up quite yet. Thus, when a woman starts making demands and having unrealistic expectations of the man, he gets the itch to run and unhook the yoke he feels being tightened around his neck. The following true story about a prospective couple exemplifies how differently men and women see beginning interactions. It illustrates how this couple could not find the correct balance or momentum, which eventually caused the budding romance to come to a screeching halt.
Getting Scared
A man and a woman connect through an Internet dating site and set a first meeting at a restaurant. They haven’t had much communication beforehand and, when he goes to kiss her hello, she is caught off guard and a little taken aback. To her, the usual order of things is a handshake in the beginning or maybe a hug and a little peck if she feels really comfortable. As the meal progresses, they seem to really hit it off. An hour into the conversation, they are discussing a comedian who will be in town a month away. He asks her if she wants him to purchase tickets for this show. Again, she is a little taken aback by his aggressiveness and also his assumption that they will be seeing each other in what seems to be so far in the future; however, she’s also flattered and agrees to this advance date. After all, she always has the option of cancelling it if things don’t work out. After a three-hour lunch, they get ready to say goodbye. Now it’s time for the hug! Throughout the week, they see each other four more times, at the gentleman’s request. A little over the top, but they are thoroughly enjoying each other’s company.
With the facts I’ve provided, a natural assumption would be that they are going to continue this relationship. Think again! In the meantime, the woman has sent the gentleman some thought-provoking emails and, perhaps, reveals a little too much about her inner psyche. Picking up on his aggressive pursuit of her, she thinks to herself, “How can we know if we want to continue to see each other without letting the other see who we truly are?” Although a valid question, this is a rookie dating mistake and backfires horribly on her. The lesson is to refrain from revealing too much, too soon.
The following week she calls him and leaves a message on his answering machine asking him if he wants to go see a movie the next day. He doesn’t return the phone call to say yes or no. She leaves another message two days later, which asks him to let her know one way or the other if he wishes to continue seeing her. Still no reply. One more try on her part – an email that states her confusion over his lack of courtesy. Still no reply. A few weeks later they run into each other. The gentleman admits the reason he didn’t return the phone calls or reply to her email was that he was feeling “penned in.” However, let’s review the scenario. He asked her out five times in one week, as well as for one month away. Who was trying to pen whom in? And who closed the door when a touch of emotional intimacy entered the scene?
The truth is that no one was to blame. These were simply two people who didn’t know each other very well. They went too fast, too soon, which resulted in both of them overreacting due to their own inherent fears and insecurities. The woman, who was very hurt by his lack of response to her various emails and phone calls, mistakenly made it all about her. In reality, the gentleman had his own personal issues with which he was dealing, and his reversal of attitude was more about him than anything to do with the woman.
What’s the lesson to be learned? Try to place yourself in the other person’s position and figure out how he or she might interpret seemingly innocent comments and actions. With strangers, it’s very easy to take both actions and words in a different manner than which they were intended. Most importantly, try to avoid taking things personally, because it’s not always about YOU!
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit LNGerst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at LNGerst@LNGerst.com.
