Culture: (noun) A set of shared attitudes, values, goals and practices that characterizes an institution or organization.
Just as you might experience a corporate culture in your professional life, your relationship also has a culture, which is developed and further refined by the actions of the participants. Here are six ways to develop the culture of your relationship, so it becomes a healthy breeding ground for friendship, love, respect and honor.
1. Choose well. This is the most important factor. Take the time to choose the right partner. Don’t rush into a relationship because you’re lonely or want to be rescued from the circumstances of your life. In truth, you must “rescue” yourself. Learn to be happy on your own and then seek a partner who can enhance your already wonderful life.
2. Practice your communication skills. You were given two ears and one mouth. This is your first tip-off that you should listen twice as much as you talk. Practice active listening instead of just waiting for your turn to jump in and express your thoughts.
3. Don’t let little annoyances fester. If you find yourself continually clamping your mouth shut over a behavior that really sets you on edge, this initial little annoyance can turn into something bigger than it needs to be. Courteously, ask your partner if he or she would have time to discuss something. In this way, you’re not cornering him/her without any warning. When in a calm state of mind, discuss your grievance and provide alternative ways of handling the same issue. This turns a potential argument into a productive session where partners can reach a compromise. When resolutions are jointly reached, it reinforces the idea that you’re a great team who works well together.
4. Find the balance between your personal and professional lives. Often, every part of your life demands attention and equal time. Unfortunately, there is no “equal” time. At times you must devote all your energies to your job – for example, when you have a big presentation with a short deadline looming in front of you. At other times you must forego work to attend your child’s athletic game or school performance. As with all circumstances in life, you need to get your priorities in order and decide which area will get your focus at what time. Family members need to be accommodating and flexible. If you’re a family unit, you have the same goals and each person needs to do his/her own job, which, at times, may include being a support person who picks up the slack.
5. Honor your differences. I’m not a big fan of opposites being in a relationship, because it seems to make everything twice as hard. However, I also don’t believe you need to be clones of each other, because then one of you would be unnecessary! With core values in common, along with a shared rhythm of life, each partner can venture out into the world and bring back interesting information to share. Sometimes one will be the teacher and the other the student, and, at other times, vice versa. Balance is all about shifting the focus back and forth, and this creates the fabric of your life.
6. Learn from the past, focus on the present; keep an eye on the future. Rather than repeating ingrained patterns that have not served you well in the past, glean the lessons to make beneficial changes. Enjoy the present by living in gratitude for what you do have versus what you feel is missing. The act of always wanting more leads to discontentment in the present. While it’s important to keep an eye on the future and plan accordingly, the present is all you really have. Appreciate the one you’re with while you have the time to do so. Learn to love and accept your partner’s love unreservedly. That’s the answer to why we are here on Earth: to love and be loved.
Question and Answer
Question: I met someone special and need some ideas on how to create a great first date.
Answer: You’ve already taken the first step by making a conscious decision to create something special. Now you can transform your desires into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Here are four suggestions:
1. Create an atmosphere that is a balance of activity with some quiet time. This provides an opportunity to get acquainted. Consequently, a movie, a loud concert or another venue where talking is frowned upon are probably not good choices. You might try a museum, a botanical garden display or an easy scenic hike that includes a picnic. These venues give you fodder for conversation.
2. Creating an atmosphere of safety allows your date to be relaxed. You might feel an intense connection, but you’re still a stranger to your date and vice versa. Don’t take offense if your date feels uncomfortable coming to your house or hesitates on giving you a home address.
3. Plan a finite time to spend together versus an entire day of activity that may take you far from home. No matter how you feel, your date may not feel the same – or you could realize you’ve overestimated your feelings. Consequently, you want to avoid trapping either one of you in an uncomfortable and prolonged situation.
4. A great date doesn’t need to be an expensive one. Rather than trying to impress a date with money, be thoughtful, kind, polite and respectful. Those are traits money can’t buy.
Ellen Gerst is a relationship coach, author and workshop leader. Visit LNG erst.com. To ask Ellen a question to be answered in a future column, email her at LNG erst@LNG erst.com.
