As you learn more about a potential partner, it’s important to constantly evaluate your relationship so that you may determine if he/she is a good fit for you. Keep in mind that relationships take time to develop, and it’s only over this time that you can come to truly know a person.
The following includes four areas to help you appraise a continuing relationship. Since it’s always helpful to use a mnemonic device to assist you in retaining ideas, I’ve devised one that will aid in remembering these categories as well as remembering who told you about them!
ELNG: If you say EL-N-G aloud, it’s Ellen G (Gerst)! Don’t worry; there’s a deeper meaning, too, as follows.
E is for Elasticity (or flexibility). Elasticity – or the ability to be flexible and go with the flow – is an attractive personality trait. Similar to when you’re disciplining children, in a romantic relationship, it’s also important to pick your battles. For example, deciding on how you attend to your finances is important, while whether you will go to an Italian or Chinese restaurant is not. Life is full of the unexpected. Watching how well a person can adapt to a change in plans is very enlightening. If your potential partner can’t switch gears without major drama, think about how this person might handle an earth-shattering event.
L is for Lifestyle. You may be attracted to a person’s physical and emotional being at the beginning of a relationship, and you naturally start to feel as if this person is on the “same page” as you. However, as the relationship develops, you may also discover that you have completely different lifestyles. For example, one
of you is a sports fanatic and the other a museum enthusiast. Studies show that couples who enjoy activities in common have a much better chance of growing together. Be aware that it doesn’t count if one partner just suffers an activity to make the other happy! What you’ll end up with is a lot of groans, rolled eyes and eventual dissatisfaction. Partners need not be tied at the hip; time apart to enjoy individual passions is healthy. Simply evaluate how wide the berth is between the things done together and those done apart. In most instances, the more leisure activities shared, the stronger the bond grows.
N is for (inherent) Nature. Personalities may match, values may be the same and lifestyle choices are coordinated; however, the partners’ basic natures may still not be singing in harmony. That is – the way each of you approaches a situation comes from completely opposite directions. Of course, if you and your partner can be flexible (see above), then all may be well. On the other hand, if tolerance for differences is not a strong suit, problems can arise. For example, if one of you is calm and methodical and the other is hyperactive and rash, this makes it difficult to reach a meeting of the minds. Pay close attention to the rhythm and pacing of your lives; it’s easier when they sing in harmony.
G is for Goals. It’s important for partners to share similar goals or the same life purpose. No matter how much love is present, it would be very difficult, for example, if one partner were devoutly religious and based all of his/her actions and activities around that religion, while the other partner desired a more hedonistic and secular lifestyle. It’s wonderful to romanticize life and think that love can conquer all, but strong unions are formed when the practicalities of life are considered and discussed as well as the love.
While the world may tell us that opposites attract – and this may be true in the short term – it’s very difficult to live with someone who approaches life from the other end of the spectrum. Stay attuned to the preceding four areas to evaluate the long-term potential of your relationship.
Question & Answer
Question: I’m about to join an Internet dating site, and I’ve heard that there are many who fudge the truth on their profile. I’m 50+. Will posting my real age limit my options?
Answer: If you believe everyone is less than truthful, you may think, “What’s the harm in shaving a few years or a few pounds off my profile?” It’s easy to get caught in this trap because you want to make yourself attractive to prospective dates. However, just because other people are doing something, does that make it OK for you to do it, too?
Lying is lying, and there’s no getting around it. I think it’s as important to tell your real age, height and weight as it is to be honest about your personality traits and history. Posting a current picture that is an accurate representation of how you look is imperative. You certainly don’t want to start with a lie. There’s nowhere to go from there except down!
Accordingly, the basic rule is to tell the truth! Of course, there are exceptions. For example, let’s say you just turned 50 and that puts you in an older age category. Energetic and much younger at heart than your biological age, you’re more comfortable with the visibility of the 40-49 age group. You may want to keep yourself at 49 or a little less. But be sure to disclose your true age in your profile or, at least, in the first email contact. Here’s the link to a short video I made on this workaround: youtube.com/ embed/TcVyFbW1nlc
