“There is nothing wrong with me. You are just making stuff up so I can die, and you can have my money.”
This harrowing, paranoid quote is from the self-published book of Mesa resident Phyllis Palm, Ph.D. Put That Knife Away – Alzheimer’s, Marriage and My Transition from Wife to Caregiver describes the emotional and physical toll her husband’s disease took on her over a five-year period. Alzheimer’s is a form of dementia that is progressive and inexorable; it slices through demographic lines of age, race, education and gender. Bewildered and frustrated caregivers struggle to process the myriad of strange and sometimes bizarre behaviors that are the hallmarks of this defiant disease – forgetfulness, confusion, anger and sometimes violence.
In her book, Palm illuminates her own personal struggle with her husband, Bob, who was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2006. She deftly details her journey from the beginnings of their idyllic marriage to the decision she was forced to make to keep her husband and herself safe. While Palm’s road was frequently frustrating and exhaustive, readers can find solace in the fact that with insight, love and compassion, the experience can ultimately be one of grace and healing for all involved.
“Writing the book and talking to people who have read my book helped me enormously,” says the author. “I’ve developed a sense of security and belonging. T
he Jewish community in Phoenix has been wonderful to me, and this is a way of giving back.” Palm admits it took her a long time to accept the diagnosis, to seek help for herself, and then to apply what she had learned and write the book. “My hope is this book can help others who find themselves caregivers for spouses or parents diagnosed with some form of dementia,” she says. “I also hope to convince people who notice the signs of this disease in their family members or in themselves to consult with a neurologist after visiting their primary care physician. If my husband had (had) an early exam and an MRI, a year later we would have been in a much better position to know if medication was needed or if the supplements we were giving him worked.”
Palm’s book details the couple’s courtship and loving marriage, followed by the slow deterioration of her husband’s memory, judgment and personality – all of which ultimately led to hospitalization and placement in residential care. The author sees her book as an expression of tikkun olam, Hebrew for repairing the world. “We come from a household of Jewish Holocaust survivors,” she says. “We believed we survived for a reason – to make the world a better place for our having lived in
it.”What differentiates Alzheimer’s, according to Palm, is the time line of mourning. “You begin to lose your partner at the diagnosis,” she says. “We begin mourning once you accept the diagnosis. For me, it took a long time. People go through five stages as with death – denial, arguing, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Each time the person loses another skill, you go through it all over again.”
In her book, Palm also details her initial meeting with her husband as well as her growing attraction. As a divorced mother of three, she had made the decision not to remarry until her children were grown. After 18 years, though, her daughter encouraged her to expand her social life. The two looked at ads, amused at how so many older men wanted younger women.
When Palm came across Bob’s ad, she was intrigued. He liked foreign films, travel, good food and friendship, all traits that were important to her. “He was 10 years older, but I gave it chance,” she says. Skeptical but also hopeful, the two met for brunch after eight weeks. Palm admits she was apprehensive as she hadn’t dated in a number of years. “He had a big smile, curly hair and beautiful twinkly blue eyes,” she recalls. “We talked a mile a minute for two hours during brunch, where I learned about his affinity for workshop activities such as making doll houses and jewelry boxes. He also did silversmithing and even tailoring.” Drawn to his charm and his interests, some of which overlapped with her own, Palm married Bob soon after and the two created a rich, satisfying life revolving around good friends, family, cultural events, hobbies, travel, entertaining and work. “It was an honest to gosh love story,” says Palm.
A portent of “trouble in paradise” appeared when the couple moved to Manhattan from their home in New Jersey at Bob’s request. “At first, Bob loved city life. He went to museums, galleries and cultural events during the day while I worked,” she says. After the first year in New York though, the first signs of his illness started to emerge. “He became depressed; he just sat around doing nothing. He used to plan our European trips and had no interest anymore.”
The initial diagnosis of “some type of dementia” hit Palm like a ton of bricks. “When he didn’t want to spend the same time we normally did having dinner and going to the philharmonic with friends, that was a clue as well. He said things such as, ‘I want to leave at intermission; it’s too much music.’ With all the education I had, I was still in denial of what was going on. I kept thinking he was sad because we sold his house or that he had a hearing loss.”
Alzheimers’ Association: alz.org • Caregivers support group: [email protected] Dr. Palm’s Blog: doctorphyl-heartofpalm.blogspot.com Dr. Palm’s book is available on Amazon, Kindle and Nook as well as through inkwellproductions.com. It can also be ordered through Barnes and Noble.
